Yep, ambifluous. I was looking for a word to describe this state of mind, but that’s all I came up with. And it’s not actually a word. I guess it’s somewhere in between “ambivalent” and “superfluous”, which doesn’t quite peg it, but it’s not the worst approximation… there’s always “purple”… or… “Scandanavian.” Those are slightly less accurate.
There is an element of ambivalence, and an element of superfluousness, (superfluouitity? pretty sure that’s not a word either, and definitely a misspelled non-word,) but there’s something else in there too, that I can’t quite name.
A lack of direction, maybe. Focus. Both as a noun and a verb. Something to focus on, and the ability to focus. I need a goal, a passion, something to aim for, to look forward to (besides warmer weather). What do I want?