Author: lauren

  • On Decisions, Habits, and Intentionality.

    I’ve had this pile of thoughts floating around in my head for a while, but couldn’t peg what they were actually about. Now I’ve figured it out… I think. Pretty sure they’re mostly just an explanation of basic decision making. Well, a really thorough systemization of basic decision making, with a little analysis of habitualness, a hint of philosophy, and a splash of rant. Kind of long and abstract, sorry. If you don’t feel like reading the whole thing, skip the first two sections. The end is what matters.

    Consider a choice.

    Any choice. Just one. A single solitary decision. What it’s about doesn’t matter. Every choice has a purpose, for lack of a better word, or some set of criteria to be met, and at least two alternatives. (The purpose may not be immediately obvious… it might be the best use of your time, for instance, if you’re deciding whether or not to do something, or it might be a complex combination of criteria. Some or even all criteria may be preferences, what appeals to you, even what appeals to you at the moment.) You need to decide which of those two alternatives best accomplishes that purpose/fulfills the criteria.

    You consider every facet of the expected outcome of each alternative– both the positives, like how well it does what it’s supposed to and additional benefits, and the negatives, such as costs (financial, time, or otherwise) and other consequences. You weigh these out, and see which option comes out on top. A lot of the time, it will be a trade-off, so you keep your specific criteria in mind– which are more important to you, and which you are willing to potentially compromise on. One option might be objectively better in general, but another is better suited to your particular situation/criteria.

    Sometimes, things come out more or less even. Maybe you started trying to make a decision objectively, the options are very similar or its a fairly even trade off, so they you add in another criterion, perhaps preference, to tip the scales one way or the other. Or the whole decision is about preference, but you weren’t sure which alternative you actually liked, so you tried eliminating that as a factor and look at which is objectively better. Once in a while, of course, it just comes down to a whim.

    Now, all of life is a series of these choices.

    Everything you do, you make a choice to do, and then you make choices regarding how to go about doing that thing.

    People think about the major decisions they need to make as choices, and most would agree it’s best to use this sort of logical reasoning in making those decisions (or at least consider what logic would tell you). Sometimes your heart or instinct might override, but you probably won’t intentionally go for an irrational choice, unless you have some other reason that makes it make sense to you, and just appears crazy to other people.

    What is often overlooked, however, are the little choices, especially things you do frequently or habitually. You do them a certain way. Always have. Except not always. Unless you are a pre-existent eternal being not bound by time, there was a time you didn’t exist, so you probably weren’t doing whatever you do however you do it. There was a moment you first existed, and some time later, you did that thing you do for the first time. And at that point, you had to decide how to go about doing it, maybe even learn how to do it.

    That first time, the choices, every step of the way, were conscious. They probably were the second time too. You could do it the same way, or try something differently. The decisions may have been conscious the third time too, maybe the fourth or even longer. Sooner or later, though, you probably established the pattern of how you do that, and stopped thinking about each decision.

    We live so much of our lives on autopilot.

    The thing is, after people have been following a pattern for a while, they forget that they’re just subconsciously repeating the same decisions over and over again. I’ve always done it this way. But does that mean that’s the best way to do it? Not necessarily. Maybe the situation in which you do that has changed. Maybe the information or tools you have have changed. Maybe the outcome you’re looking for has changed. Maybe you have changed, and will think of a better or just different way to go about it.

    If you can remember why you chose to do something a certain way, and present-self agrees with past-self’s reasoning, maybe you do want to keep doing it that way for now. But if you can’t remember why you do it the way you do, or some factor may have changed, try thinking through it again.

    Set aside your pattern, start from scratch.

    Try to “forget” what you normally do, and approach it anew, systematically and comprehensively. Break it down into purpose and specific criteria, and outcomes for each alternative (function and benefits, costs and consequences).

    • Establish what the relative weights of your criteria are.
    • Now evaluate what they should be– did you miss something worth considering, or let something less important or even irrational take priority?
    • Look at the alternatives you’re selecting from. Are there any other ways of doing what your doing, or things you could do instead to fulfill the same purpose? (They don’t have to be good ways, that’ll get sorted out in the next step.)
    • Rework your criteria as needed and analyze the elements of each alternative accordingly.
    • Make your decision. Which is really the best option?

    Work through the decision-making process again, with a fresh perspective, and determine what’s really the best way to do whatever it is you’re doing. Write it down if that works for you. Is it the same as you’ve been doing? If it is, cool, as you were. If it isn’t, are you willing to try the new way? (After all, you’re own brain just told you it’s better.) Or will you be stubborn and stick with the way you’ve “always” done it, just because it’s the way you’ve always done it?

    This is not hypothetical; this is a challenge.

    I’m serious, try it. Pick something you do fairly often. It can be the way you get to work, what beverage you drink, how you spend your first hour of “free time” in a given day, the way you organize your bookshelf, putting on pants, I don’t care. Just pick something, ponder why you do it the way you do. Actually think through the decision once, instead of going on autopilot. When you figure out the best option, try it that way. See if it works for you. Heck, try a different option even if it’s not better, maybe you’ll discover something interesting.

    Maybe you’ll make your life a little bit easier, or better in some small way. Maybe even a big way, who knows? Maybe you won’t, this time, and you’ll go back to your pattern. Try it with something else. Make a pattern of challenging your patterns. I bet sooner or later you find something you can improve on. (;

    But maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll keep finding the way you’ve been doing things is the best way, or at least works for you, and never change a thing… but wouldn’t it be nice to know that? To know that you have gone through life intentionally, thinking through and testing your decisions, and are confident that you are living the best life possible?

    Try it. Be intentional. Live intentionally. Live on purpose, not on autopilot.

    </motivational speech> But for serious, give it a go. (I’m going to!) Ready for this? I DARE YOU. Tell me about it in the comments!

    • What are you going to / did you try it on? After you do, what’s the result?
    • Did you learn anything in the process?
    • Am I a total and complete moron? (It’s okay, you can tell me. -_-)
    • How about your ideas, how else can we live on purpose?
  • Huh.

    Ran into an old friend today.

    I mean, I guess that’s what I’d call him, an old friend… don’t know, really. He is. Feels like there is/was more to it than that, but we never actually dated or anything, so I don’t quite know what.

    See, we were good friends in high school…

    We had this big group of friends… lots of sillyness… it was pretty great, actually. Anyways, this friend. There was a time when I liked him. Like, liked him liked him. I told him so, toward the end of my 10th grade year. He said it was mutual, but [wishy-washy-sounding explanations] he wasn’t going to “ask me out” right then. A few weeks later I saw him kissing a friend of mine, took that as a “no,” was briefly heartbroken, and got over it and him.

    We continued to be friends, but he and most of our friends were a year ahead of me, so when they all graduated and went off in various directions for school, the group pretty much dissolved. Fast forward to middle of my junior year of college, and I see a once-familiar screenname pop up on my Instant Messenger. Don’t think I’d seen or heard from the guy in probably three years. I say “hey,” we catch up a bit, hang out with other folks a few times when I’m home for Christmas. Seems like old times. Then one night we’re sitting around watching Star Trek, and suddenly he’s kissing me.

    Looking back, yes, there were signs I should have seen. But I a) had never dated or as far as I knew had anyone interested in me so had nothing to compare to, b) had written off any vague maybe-hints as a result of the aforementioned events in high school, and c) am oblivious by nature and fantastically bad at reading people. So I didn’t get the memo… until he was on my face.

    And I was like, “WHAT. THE. ISGOINGON?” And there was a conversation (of sorts)… and it was awkward. And largely incoherent, as I recall. I babbled extensively. Couldn’t think in a straight line. Brain-to-mouth filter was totally busted, and neither was making any sense. I was totally caught off guard. Flattered. Angry. (NOW? FIVE YEARS after I had told him how I felt?) I rambled, muttered, babbled some more, he said things, (including “I think I love you,” which I think could have been timed better and, when said, probably could have done without the first two words…) Eventually I managed something resembling “I need to think about this and talk to you later,” and “I should go home now” which came out as a question.

    I called him a few days later, once I was back at school, still lacking any sort of clarity or the ability to use words properly. There was babbling again, to the effect of “This can’t work, we don’t make sense, brussels sprouts, maybe we can be friends?” and I promptly ceased to exist. (I’m really good at that, turns out… but that’s a-whole-nother story for a-whole-nother day.) I didn’t have feelings for him, I didn’t not have feelings for him. I had just turned off the part of me that even considered him in a way that involved feelings! We were just getting to know each other again… Maybe I would have started considering one way or the other again, given time, but this just short-circuited that whole process (and heck, my brain) so we’ll never know. I didn’t know how to deal with it, so I just… didn’t. I felt bad about that part… I thought about him the other morning, maybe I’d write him an apology note and drop it in his mailbox one day, but wasn’t sure if he was still living at home, or if that would be weird…

    Worked at Borders today, in the cafe for the first time in months. (There was chaos unrelated to that gap, so started off stressful but got back into the swing of things pretty quickly and enjoyed the shift.) Afterwards, I was talking to a friend, wanted to say hi to another, and needed to sort out scheduley things with the manager, so I was kind of wandering around the store… thought I saw a familiar form back in the sci-fi section… walked back that way… guess who?

    We talked. Like people. Real live human beings with language capabilities. Like adults even.

    We did the standard obligatory 3 minute catch-up. Mused at living back home, non-forever-but-enjoyable jobs, and school loans being icky. A moment of nostalgia for the old group and a bit of hindsight analysis of its demise. He said he thought about me the other day, because he was listening to Switchfoot. (I was all about Switchfoot in high school.) I said I had thought about him just the other day too, the disappearing and all… I did apologize. (And decided, too late, that it was weird.)

    As we parted ways, I said, “Good to see you,” and meant it. He said, “You can message me,” and I don’t know what he meant. The whole conversation was… nice. friendly. Awkward, but familiar. No feelings, I don’t secretly wish I had accepted his unwieldy advances, but I do miss him sometimes… In a strictly platonic, if-only-we-had-the-social/emotional-wherewithal-to-deal-with-our-shit sort of way.

    Huh.

  • What's your favorite color that's not a color?

    So we’re gonna go around the circle and introduce ourselves. Everybody tell us your name, where you’re from, where you go to school, for what, and what year you are, or where you work and what your job is, and…

    Everybody needs a good icebreaker.

    Between college, church-related activities, and [what I can only describe as the retarded hybrid test-tube baby of spontaneity, whimsy, the inability to say ‘no’, and an awkward introvert’s varied attempts to be social], I have found myself in more of these self-interrogation circles than I ever would have imagined, much less could possibly count.

    The questions asked are remarkably predictable (and alliterative):

    • Who: Your name, of course.
    • What: do you do? Job and/or major.
    • Where: are you from, or where do you work/go to school.
    • When: How long have you been doing whatever it is you do?/What year in school are you?
    • and finally, Wildcard: You thought I was going to say “Why”, didn’t you? WRONG.
    • (One of those Ws may be omitted, especially if answers are expected to be similar.)

    Who makes sense. Names are helpful. What/where/when are smalltalk standards, good to get out early, as a function of our culture more-so than actually being relevant to substantive conversation. The Wildcard question is where things get interesting.

    The Wildcard is, as you might guess, at the discretion of the group leader or organizer. They might go for profound (ie: most memorable something-or-other), immediate (ie: highs & lows of the past week), or just silly (ie: favorite breakfast cereal). The more groups you do this with, the more they get redundant, so you try to think of new and interesting questions.

    A few years ago, I found myself in one of those recurring events for which the group varies so we were used to doing the go-round each time for the benefit of new members, but on this particular occasion, it was a smallish group and we all knew each other, at least as far as the standard Ws went, so the group leader posed what might be considered the ultimate icebreaker: Come up with an icebreaker. We each thought of a question, and everyone answered each. Some were goofy, some forgettable, some awkward. Mine quickly became my favorite thing to ask people. 🙂

    What’s your favorite color that’s not a color?

    I couldn’t explain it well enough, so the lousy approximation that came out of my mouth was as much riddle as inquiry. It became as much about trying to see who understood my brain to “get it right” as people actually sharing their favorites, and after a few attempts at explaining it, my friend Elliott seems to be convinced that the question is entirely subjective and dependent on my brain, Jeff thinks we should put it to a vote, and only a few people seem to be catching the general drift of the question’s intent. (I think Rachel knows what I mean.) So it’s time to try to put this into words that are valid outside my brain.

    “What’s your favorite color?” is a common enough question, and while interesting, and I love colors, the vocabulary that answers that question is so limited. “Blue”, “red”, “orange”, even “teal” are so vague, and tell me so little about what a person is actually liking.

    Even more specific color names like “sky blue” or “brick red” describe only the hue and maybe shade of the color at best. But they’re really just largely-arbitrary labels assigned to a generally-accepted range of wavelengths in the visible spectrum. A sky blue car looks very different than a sky blue t-shirt, and neither actually looks the same as a sky blue sky. Color needs context.

    What I’m interested in is not the label attached to the range of hues you usually prefer, but the whole and specific swatch of reality you find most visually appealing. It’s not cobalt blue, but cobalt blue glass… not brown, but the last half-inch of black coffee in a white mug… not just orange, or even soft orange, but Jim’s orange sweater. Big threatening clouds just before a sudden storm. That red plastic water bottle. Antique silver dinnerware. Polished mahogany. Even more complex things that don’t fit into traditional color names, like “Oil slick in the parking lot” or “the tv screen when it’s off” or Royal Stewart Tartan.

    There’s depth to it. Texture. The way the light plays with a surface. It’s specific, so that assuming you seen it before too, you instantly know what the person is referring to, and don’t have to wonder “this part? or that one?” (Not just trees, even a certain tree, but the bark, or birch bark, or pine needles, or looking out over a valley of autumn leaves just before sunset. It brings to mind a certain mental picture that you can say, “Yep, that’s my favorite,” and when someone else hears it, they picture essentially the same thing and can say, “Ah, that’s their favorite.”

    Blue corn tortilla chips. Copper (not merely “copper colored” but copper metal, like a brand new penny). #FF00FF on your computer screen (I have yet to see that one exist in nature). That greenish edge on a glass table. Orange juice. Tail lights. Blacklight. Black cat fur. Bluejeans. Blue raspberry Jolly Ranchers. Gold star stickers. Red rose petals. Beets.

    Get the gist? I think I can rephrase the question better now. How about:

    What’s your favorite [specific visual stimulus] that isn’t [an arbitrary label for a range of light wavelengths]?

    Or better yet:

    What’s your favorite color? Answer with a noun.

  • "Review"

    It was brilliant, damn it.

    Vaguely dystopian sci-fi with suspense and an intriguing plot. The setting was indeterminate, regarding time (I’d guess some point in the future, but no telling how far) and place (a city, probably American if it’s a nearish sort of future but could have been elsewhere, even another planet, we don’t know). The main characters had epic adventures and a believable, non-nauseating romance. The dialog was articulate and witty, snarky and heartfelt at all the right moments. It was so good, that when it ended, coming back to reality actually kind of hurt. I still wanted to know what happened next, or at least go back and watch it again.

    But no dice– it was a dream.

    It played like a movie. A really frakking awesome movie, that was bound to be a genre favorite, maybe even a “blockbuster”. I wish I remembered it well enough to actually make that movie, or perhaps write it out as a book, but like anything I’ve only watched once, I can only recall the basic gist (and I do mean basic), a line or two, and few “snapshot” images. You’d think, being that the writer, director, “cameraman”, and heck, all of the cast/characters, were, in fact, my brain, I’d be able to remember a little better what happened, or at least re-create something similar. But no.

    That lovely film was created by my subconscious, who is apparently much more intelligent, creative, and accomplished than my conscious mind, and absolutely refuses to share its brilliance with its conscious counterpart, who could in turn share it with the world…

    …’cause my subconscious is a bitch about intellectual property rights.

    Figures.

  • New books! And snow! Must be Christmas!…April fools!

    Ha…eh…huh? Nowait. Really, universe, what?

    o.O

    I can’t decide which I’m more excited to finally have / which to read first! (The Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss (who also wrote this lovely note), and Serenity: The Shepherd’s Tale by Joss & Zack Whedon with art by Chris Samnee.) Both I already know I’m going to love, and both have been a long time coming (my own doing, only actually ordered them Tuesday morning)… feels like so much more than a box of books… More like… a car… no, a mail-order bride…

    *Segue to semi-creepy allegorical [day]dream sequence*

    I’d spent ages fawning over pictures and descriptions…researching, contemplating, discussing and soul-searching, until I knew I had made the right selection. I placed my order and waited. One day I arrived home from work late in the evening, and as I came up into my room, saw that my beauty, my beloved, was there waiting for me. I tore away the coverings of a long journey, and lost myself in [literary] ecstasy for the next four days…

    Yeah, that went creepier than expected. :/ But hey, the bond between a she-geek and her books is profound. 😉

  • The grey skirt: a tale of sheer bullheadedness.

    Mom likes to talk at me when I’m trying to work. A month or two ago, she was asking if I wanted to go see Mary Poppins in Philly with her and Daddy.

    At that moment, I really didn’t care much either way, because I:

    • was trying to work.
    • am mostly indifferent to the alleged allure of Broadway/Philly-wanting-to-be-Broadway shows. I like plays and musicals well enough, but I just don’t get that excited to see a story I already know acted out, unless I know some of the cast.
    • don’t plan that far in advance if at all avoidable.

    But they need to get out more, and I like to encourage them when they’re willing to go into the city for fun (they both work within the city limits, but seem to have an aversion to going downtown otherwise, which they like to deny/blame on each other) so I said, “Sure, why not?”

    I figured for the price of the tickets, it must be a nice venue, worthy of dressing up a bit, probably digging the dress slacks out of the closet. But yesterday, mom feels compelled to point that out.

    No jeans or sweatpants.

    Of course, I took that as a challenge.

    The show was tonight, and I babysat earlier this afternoon, so I was wearing sweatpants, and if you add my extreme fondness for this pair of sweatpants to yesterday’s “just because you’re 22 doesn’t mean I trust you to dress yourself” comment, there was no way I was taking off these sweatpants.

    However, contrary to my mother’s opinion, I do know how to dress properly, and do know better than to go into a nice theatre looking my usual around-the-house hobo self.

    Paradox resolution: the grey skirt.

    The grey skirt is long. Floor-skimming long, and heavy enough that it drapes nicely even over a not-nicely-draping extra layer. And it’s shiney-ish and pretty– perfectly respectable evening-out-wear, paired with the black tank I was already wearing, a nice black cardigan, and cute black heels. Also, perfect sweatpants camouflage. o/

    The show was pretty good too, by the way. 🙂 (And there were totally people wearing jeans.)

  • Mmmm… eating leftover chicken cheesesteak and fries at 6am BECAUSE I CAN/i'm still awake.

    In other not-unrelated news, I have decided I’m going to start arbitrarily blaming all problems in my life on my complete and total lack of circadian rhythm.

    (Pretty sure that assessment will be 95% accurate anyways.)

  • IN EVENT OF MOON DISASTER:

    via jameswhyte:

    Did you know that a speech was written in case Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong were stranded on the moon? This is it.

    This didn’t even happen [52 years ago] and I’m still crying as I read it.

  • Discovery


    via lickystickypickyme:

    Space Shuttle Discovery.
    Photo credit: Larry Tanner, USA

    I don’t know what other life exists out there in space. I just find it amazing that we managed to build machines that brought us to the moon and beyond.

    Always makes me wonder if from outer space they could not have done the same and visited us. I mean are we REALLY the only creatures in the whole infinity of this (or other) universe(s)?

  • you've all heard of the alot, right?

    Allie Brosh’s magnificent creature, spawned from a common spelling error?
    well, I think the alot needs a friend. based on an equally irritating error.
    and thus:

    and:

    and:

    (via justacleverruse)

    So, so wonderful. I wonder if Allie’s seen this yet?